Fuck lah. Today has been the worst day in the whole of the week. I almost wanted to hurl my bio paper from a three-mile radius from myself and just simply give up. Fuck this sounds stupid but my friable heart is pulverized and I just feel like giving up living even. Why, why must I even like him? God, I have been thinking such trivial matters that he actually made me feel horrendous. It seems so erronous that I think too much about someone who doesnt give a fuck about me. He's changed eventhough I dont know fuck about him and I loathed his X-ray stare. I can't help flinching back when I look back at him because he frightens me. I hate him but I know I like him more than the presumed hatred. I WILL forget about him. Because this is just one of those stupid phases I have gone through time and time again with only dissapoinment as the unchanging aftermath. I want things to change but they never do. I want to feel a tad of what I had been hoping for but it just isn't the time yet. My life is so depressing and fucking lonely and I can't fucking help paining myself when I look at him talk to other girls who I know would deserve him better because they beatiful. Beauty is only skin deep. Only an imbecile would preach that.
Because I am just too ugly.

I LIKE YOU

Why is it so hard for you to see??

I awake to find no peace of mind

Ah...it's is raining again. Yesterday I went for a short run about 1.2km? I timed myself and I got 9mins!! Multiply that twice and I have 18 mins already which I think should be enough for me to pass 2.4 right? But yeah actually I could have gotten lesser than that if it werent for those two ah bengs(unhot) who were hogging the path. I can't go jogging today since relative humidity is high currently. I should be studying for Chemistry now but I just dont have the mood! I am crazy!! And I am trying to hate ducky so I won't like him anymore. I mean who am I kidding right? Me liking ducky is as nonsense as him liking me which wil like never happen. Huh I miss my younger days when I was able to run in sports day relays and get silver trophies. Now I have intruding boobs with the mass of giant metal balls. Doesnt matter-I am going to train 2.4 like I always did last time for 1.6(?). I am bubble-tea crazy now too. Go Honey Milk Tea!!! (er,hum) I hope he didnt get ***pended like from what I heard! Omg, Natasya! Dont like him anymore! Dont like him anymore!

And girls, please go out after common tests! I am fucking bored of being fucking bored. I want to go to Haji Lane and find Victoria Jomo to get suhweet stuffs. And *, I love my bangs okay! And I didnt make up my unatural fringe just because you said I look better with fringe. :/ (And I dont like people judging me when we dont know each other well enough) And ahh...ducky so cute and gentleman lah! I was like going to go out of the place and he was walking in front of me. Then someone call me and I was like walking halfway through the door and he was holding the door for me the whole time until I turn to continue walking! AHHH. And I didnt even bother to say thanks! Haha typical of me. But ish, I like very jealous lor when he talk to other chinese girls. Stupid me,so unflirty.

Okay, now time to take a break from ducky and list down my test results:

27.5/40 Biology
22/40 Chemistry
18/30 Maths
29/30 POA [:
10/25 Pure Geography (haha! I was like sleeping after fifteen minutes of trivial attempt.)

Bleagh, all average like jwwdnejf.

Wah this is like the longest post?

ily<3 honey milk tea

Oh, oh and happy birthday Mummy!

Ahhh...I am not weird lah. Okay maybe I am. But I have never heard anyone comment I am weird. :s I am scared I lost my chem notes!! I wanted to do my chem worksheet and study for the common test when I can't find them! Maybe I might have left it in class but I am only like 20% certain of it. The other eighty might have been subjected to gulit for rummaging through other people's tables for fun. No, I wasn't the one who stole Aaron's notes!

Why cant we have more than 24 hours in a day? I feel like I am running out of time. I havent fully studied Chem and Bio and only managed to recite ONE SS essay. So confusing lor! And I still have indices to practice and geography to memorize. OMG. I am scared things would turn out like the way it did two years ago! Help!!!

Okay I shall make a daily rosture(?) for myself

Monday:

3pm- dismissed
3.30 pm-Home
3.45 pm- Bath/eat lunch
4.30 pm- Start on Chem
5.30 pm-Biology(Cells & Difussion, Active Transport, Osmosis)
6.30 pm-Maths(Indices)
7.30 pm-Pray, rest, tv
9.30 pm-(haha rest so long) SS essays
10.30 pm-Lappy
11.30 pm- Sleep

Huh, I can barely fit everything I need to do!

ily<3 korean, japanase and chinese boys! o.O I saw a whole jamboree of korean guys last Saturday at Orchard! Sadly none were hot.

Ernie and Bert!

Bert: "Hey, you've got a banana in your ear!"
Ernie: "What?"
Bert: "I said, YOU'VE GOT A BANANA IN YOUR EAR!"
Ernie: "What? I can't hear you; I've got a banana in my ear!"
Bert: "Hey, you've got a banana in your ear!"
Ernie: "I know, I'm keeping the alligators away."
Bert: "But there aren't any alligators on Sesame Street!"
Ernie: "I know, it's working!"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Pushing me you're breaking me

I suppose I was wrong. I have wonderful caring friends. It's only me who keeps denying my own emotions to them.

Finally had the Caramel Milk Tea. Vair vair NICE!!

When I got the messages from my friends, I actually cried while trying to push the right buttons then continuing my water works while attempting to fix the buttons to my uniform. Thanks mucho mucho.

And the hardest part was letting go not taking part

Today was vair vair boring. Went to Mac for breakfast with Mummy at the Sports Hub and then went home. Spent my remaining afternoon with lappy reading people's blogs. Then I slept until about 6+ and woke up dizzy and feeling terrible. Ate the mushroom puff I wanted and felt even more sick to my tummy. Poor tummy. My mind was seemingly perpetually mulling over my deary ducky but fuck, I bet he forgets about me totally. Anyway, why would he even think about me? The fat, ugly whore. Haiii...I can't eradicate my pessimisticness. But yeah why would he think about me? :s This year wasn't going to turn out like I had expected. Valentines had been the worst this year already- what else could happen abysmally? Me not having a romance life that's what it is! But god, what I'm saying is a doa! Ok everything will turn out alright, Natasya. Relax babe.

ily <3 ducky

We were walking up to strawberry swing

Hurhur. Yesterday I was like waiting for ducky and he went online until after en only!! Thanks Farris for helping me last night. I got like tons of advice from him that I didn't know would really be applicable. But still thanks! :D

Monday: Try, try flirting! I should be doing that actually according to Seventeen because I am single and available!

Oh did I mention? New Adidas bag! I got leftovers from buying Mummy's bday present so I decided to buy it. :))) Wow, I sound so happy. But I am since I'm done with my Commonwealth Essay. :))))) oh and )))))): I just found out that ducky has ever stead-ed with this girl in sec2/ early sec 3. But they broke it off. Still....)))))):

Farris: Anyway

Farris: der r sume ppl hu sae ur cantik

Wow thanks anyone who said that. If you are chinese, talk to me! I ily cute chinese boys.

She said she'd won the world at the carnival, but she couldn't ever win me

Sometimes an uncontrollable feeling of sadness grips us. We recognize the magic moment of the day has passed and that we've done nothing about it. Life begins to conceal its magic and its art.

-Paulo Coelho, By The River Piedra I sat down and wept.

I am hungry. And I missed you, ducky. Where have you been yesterday when I waited for you? I know there is no hope anymore for me to be with you, I understand.

You thought you were alone but I was with you all the way

HAHA! She's right. I should do that more.




Ah, and I am seldom hungry these days and get full easily. Yay!

And we'll watch the glow until it's gone

Fuck Fuck Fuck. I just endured the fuckiest valentines day of my entire existence. Not only did I received nil amount of roses from guys but also lucid dissapointment and self abomination. I know I am not pretty enough, not thin enough, not deserving enough for him to talk to me. And I bet on my Ipod Video that he probably has a valentine or a grilfriend and doesnt even have a spare thought for me. See, I am always the one who envies people and those pretty girls at school who got roses and other stuff for valentines day. What did I get? NOTHING. And those who got presents from guys who really are not their taste, be grateful!

I hate myself. I hate myself.

:(

Doc, I'm dying

Hahha...wah I am so free can blog twice in day. Like as though there's anyone reading this. I am totally wasting my time on monolouging when I should be studying fuck geography. But who gives a fuck. I was like looking at other people's blogs and sorry but I am going to be vagina now, some girls muka macam sial pun ade boyfriend???! Mak kau. Bukan macam sial lagi, puki aku lagi lawa! Haha. Okay stop it, Natasya. But seriously ah. Is it because they are flirty and I don't give a fuck to talk to boys? Whatever it is, I salute them. It brings out a whole new meaning of beauty. :D

Ahh, I feel sickish and lots of ulcers in my mouth!! I need the doctor. Thinking about doctors, I miss mine back in Bedok... He is so uberly sweet! He always gave me those green and orange sweets and talked in this sweet gently voice. He even praises me for always denying Mcs! See I good girl last time. Like to go to school. Now budak jahanam. Pekik pepek mane-mane kat sekolah dengan budak jahanam number2.




Budak jahanam 1 and Budak jahanam 2

Oh simple thing where have you gone

Today was uncool. I felt feverish the whole time in class and sweet Genevive gave me a panadol. I got back my POA test, 29/30. I am better than you. :) So Tammie gave me Wawan. I like her. Ms Tia didn't come so hurray! No two hours chem spa as planned. So we stayed in class instead and I drew stuff on my wrist. Lei Mee was aajjdhrk. Bored me to fuck. Then she asked us about our teachers and everyone was talking about Claudia Wong. And someone commented about Ms Lum and some other guy said her face was like Dick Lee. That was bad I suppose but she does look like him a tinee bit. :/

Have been feeling exceptionally, grostequely depressed once again. It was great to be able to tear up last night. I have so many insecurities, truckloads. I can't help envying people who are prettier, thinner, has a boyfriend, fuckloads of admirers and a father. Call me shallow but fuck I am. I know I am simply ugleh and fat with large pointy boobs and horrid legs. God, please help me.

ily<3

Dreaming of the Osaka Sun

Hi! I am drinking my favorite drink now. It is some sort of ice lemon slimming tea. Great for me I presume. I checked my nutritional status and it's 1oo% which means I am in healthy weight category since I am of acceptable height but still...I would rather say I weigh 45kg than FIFTY NINE. And I need to be able to fit in a size 26 jeans by the end of the term. :) I am 27/28 now. :/

So had the Chem and Bio test. Pepek lah. I think I'll score average if I am lucky. Math was 'easy' but I dont want to say it directly. Bad karma. So I am left with geography on Friday. Had the Bio Spa today too and I didnt know what I was doing. My dearest labby partner got the sucrose stuff mixed out but I like the colors of the solution. So we had to fill in the worksheet and I had no idea so was looking for completed worksheets to copy. Ended up copying some guy's worksheet without asking him. Hehe. Sorry but his answers were superbly practical. I mean really practial like those you would find on answer sheets. But his handwriting was bad. His burette was like burrow?

Huh again. I feel really depressed now. But I am starting to like most of my classmates. And I smell bad nowadays. Yuk. So I have decided to steal some of my sissy's lotion. :) Valentine is in another...okay I dont know how many days. I loathe looking at those people with their smooching boyfriends. This is my third solo valentine. :/ I have decided to treat myself pastamania, yay it's halal now!,with mummy on her b'day. We promised each other presents. She is going to get me a shoe bag and I am going to her something I haven't decided on yet. Help!

ily <3